Everything

I never knew what I wanted to be. For so long I didn’t know, it became a habit. I’ve been an event planner, a make up artist, a translator, an English teacher, a Spanish teacher, a fundraising assistant, a singer, a photographer, a writer, a blogger, and an entrepreneur. I’ve tried studying it all and I cannot seem to focus. I want to be everything.

I still haven’t found it. The balance I so desperately seek seems so close and yet so far. The perfect life seems to take a step back when it takes a look at my crazy decisions; it stays put. The perfect relationship puts me on probation when I show it what I have to show for myself; it doesn’t seem like much. I swear it’s completely my fault but I simply didn’t know any better. Can I fix it? Well, is there anything to fix? Having a logical, scientific and very successful older brother also doesn’t help my brain accept myself just the way I am. He has a lot to show for himself.

I do write well, I feel good when I write. But is that enough? I want success, I want joy; I want love. It’s always excluded. I thought having amazing friends made it worth it; they’re all gone. I have had awesome experiences, interesting friends and a beautiful connection with my mother. But where am I going when I don’t know where I want to go? I want to write, I want to sing and I want to move away from the tiny town I was born in. I need money to do all of that and I’m not really there. So, to do everything you apparently have to have a purpose. I swear sometimes I feel like I do have some sort of purpose. It leaves me stranded and I often feel lost again. I just don’t fully fit. Will this be my happily ever after? It doesn’t make me sad. I have hope and I know for a fact it’s never too late. I’m flakey but flakey has now made me feel stuck, again.

I will write because I need to. I will sing because I can. I will create. But I must find a more concrete path and find a way out. I want to do it all but I’m not sure if one life is enough. Especially not when I started when I did. That’s fine. I’m done resisting what is. But I do gradually want to move out of what it’s been. I want to keep all the good and change what’s been bad.

My mom thinks it’s being pessimistic but I simply think the future is too far away and sometimes changing little things in the present can make everything different. I don’t want to give up; I want to believe in miracles. I want to be a dreamer and a realist. Once again, be everything but in a smarter way. I honestly do not know if this makes any sense or if anything will truly change. But all I can do is try and if I fail again and again at least I’ll know I never gave up. I might not have found my place in this world but I’ll die trying and in doing so, I’ll be and feel everything I possibly can. So far, so good.

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