What it was

You try to reach for it and as soon as you grab it, it disappears. Was I dreaming?

He’s standing in front of me. He’s about to tell me how much he adores me and a loud noise distracts me and I cannot listen to his words that I assume will be terribly sweet.

She finally lost all the weight she wanted to lose only to find it didn’t matter as much as being healthy did. She misses her skin sometimes because it kept the douchebags out, but knows it’s still her and has the power to know who to let in. She can always become her own once more and connect to the source.

And now there’s nothing that hurts inside her. There are loose ends and scars but no more pain. What made it go away? She knows she worked hard on this but keeps forgetting how she got there.

It was probably that book her mom gave to her and told her how amazing she was born to be. Or it was probably also that song she couldn’t stop listening to because the pianist had a voice that knew exactly how she was feeling.

And all the lost memories with friends must have helped. And having them walk in and out as they pleased probably also helped her know how nothing is the end of the world; not even betrayal from the ones she trusted.

Maybe all the uninterested gentlemen that probably weren’t all that also had something to do with it. And the mistakes, and the love, and the laughter. And every single moment that led her to where she is, probably gave her the power to undo all the wrongdoing that had been done.

And maybe now she can let love in. And maybe now she won’t get in the way of herself. She won’t sabotage her very own happiness. And maybe all the bad things simply don’t matter. And all the things she thought would kill her ended up saving her life.

It’s probably not what they told us it would be. It’s not better or worse either. It’s not bigger nor smaller. The paint isn’t even paint, it’s a material you created with your limitless mind. The collage is still forming itself right before our eyes. We cannot stop it, but we can embrace it.

It’s not like anything they told you it would be. But it is unique and it’s yours. And that’s all you will ever need. What it was is everything you have become and it’s glorious. It’s marvelous and it’s yours.


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