Saying goodbye

A lot is gone. Much has been taken. I feel nothing, there’s nothing to do. There’s nothing to feel. It has all been taken, piece by piece. I feel paralyzed. Being paralyzed isn’t as bad as you’d think. My heart has left me alone. It still tries to sneak in, but it has been mostly peaceful. I’m standing here in the middle of nowhere with an angel that whispers encouraging wisdom and a bit of a broken soul. I feel calm, I feel tired. I still have a lot to do and I just don’t know how or where to start. When so much vanishes and you still manage to survive, you realize you don’t need much to begin with.

I want to say goodbye. Goodbye not only to the friends I’ve lost but the pain I’ve allowed them to cause. Goodbye not only to the work but to the disappointment I allowed it to provide. I’m saying goodbye to the love I never got but thought I deserved. I want to say goodbye, not in a dramatic way but in the most honest way I can possibly say goodbye.

I must part ways with the feelings of inadequacy. I must say goodbye. I have had lovely moments, I have had a lot. I cannot continue being close with anything or anyone that makes me feel unhappy. I have a hard time honoring this beautiful mess but I must. Whenever you feel unpleasantness for being yourself or for moments from the past, try to honor them as if you’d choose them all over again.

I have to say goodbye to how I used to think. I have to say goodbye to frustration and emptiness. It has been quite loyal but we must part ways. I must embrace uncertainty and fearlessness.

I’m saying goodbye to a job and a city that I really liked. But I’m also saying goodbye to any form of attachment I ever had to it. If we get attached, we suffer. If I ask myself, why me? Then I’m saying that what is happening is bad and I have no right to do that. We have no right to do that, not anymore.

I’m saying goodbye to the pain, the attachment, the suffering, the expectations, my age, hopelessness, doubt, disbelief, comparison, emptiness, insecurities and much more.

I cannot continue asking myself what is right or wrong. I simply want to let things be and let go of whatever isn’t mine. Yes, it’s a tough goal but I can do it. I will work on whatever I can control and let go of what weighs me down. Saying goodbye shouldn’t be hard, it should simply be a part of life that we should embrace as much as we can.

Goodbye.

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