The pretending

I want to sing when I’m teaching. I want to listen to music, always. I pretend to feel what I don’t feel. I’ve learned to pretend. I’ve always been very proud of what I’ve said no to but by saying no, what have I said yes to?

What if I never feel like I’m not pretending? What if pretending is what life becomes? I’ve always claimed to be authentic, real…the only way I truly know how to be. But lately it has been causing pain and people’s distance. Is it right or should I just pretend to fit in the box…at least for a bit? I’m bluffing. I can’t pretend. I can’t be anything but this restless soul that takes over me. It has caused pain, I know it, but I cannot pretend. Except if it’s work. I might not know a lot, but I know I need money to survive. Working produces money and therefore I must pretend. Fake it till you make it.

I’m not going to play the victim card and pretend it’s just me. Almost everybody must pretend. The dentist has to pretend to like the difficult patient. The artist has to pretend to be happy enough with his conflicted soul. The administrator has to pretend to like the very difficult neighbor. We have to be nice to those that drive us crazy. Sometimes, we must pretend. Most people don’t even wonder why. I do. I don’t know why but I wonder. I wonder about everyone and everything around me. It gets lonely but it’s quite entertaining.

It’s time to pretend who I want to be. I can be too real, too honest. This time I want to be happy. This time I want to pretend who I want to become. They say we must be careful whom we pretend to be because it’s who we’ll become. Well, yesterday a student told me I am one of the happiest girls he knows and I smiled. I might struggle but if I’m happy, I’m doing something right. I am happy when I’m not thinking too much of myself. Next time I’ll help others. Next time I’ll pretend whenever I feel that I can’t carry on.

Don’t worry if you feel you’re pretending. If you’re pretending to be happy or to make the most out of a difficult situation, you should be proud. Be proud to pretend. But if you’re pretending and it kills you, let go of the act. It’s hard to know the difference but deep down inside you know.

I’m too honest with myself and my best friend. She suffers when I suffer and I suffer when I suffer. I must pretend the emptiness is gone and soon enough it will be. Pretending doesn’t truly have to be a bad thing; it can save your life. It can help you become who you always wanted to be.

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