We’ve been programmed to think something is good or bad. We’ve been programmed to label. This is something I still struggle with. I still want to be labeled, as odd as that might seem. I still want to be what is expected from me. I still want approval from my very accomplished older brother.
I never truly feel thin enough, pretty enough, young enough or almost anything enough. That’s OK.
This past year has been, by far, one of the most unpredictable years of my life. Mostly good, maybe bad. This isn’t a complaint. What is is what I want. I’ve grown to love this concept.
I got a job as a writer and photographer, and later in the year I sort of lost it. I started off the year in love, fell out of love. I looked for another love in all the wrong and right places and it left me drained and lonely. I started off the year thinner than I am now. My hair wasn’t as pretty as it is now and I used to have roommates where now I live happily alone. I had amazing, trusting friends, whereas now…they are gone. Some hurt me, some didn’t. I sang a lot and it made me smile…I then was briefly silenced by illness. I danced and didn’t care what people thought as much as I used to. I also got a global job that has opened endless amounts of opportunities.
As I said before, a lot happened. And this was just a little bit of the many things that happened. A couple of weeks ago, I decided I was going to hide out and take a little break from the world. From the outside, it would seem I’m sad or in mourning or maybe even depressed. I truly don’t believe that’s the care. I was thinking how maybe I’m giving up. Giving up on love, my dreams, my expectations, and my life. But, again, I don’t think so. I am trying not to be overly emotional and make whatever decisions are right at this very moment. I am still trying to figure it out.
I am easily hard on myself and think how “most people” have already sorted it out by now. So what? This is exactly my point. Nothing matters as much as they’ve told us. Don’t give up but let go. There is an enormous difference between giving up and surrendering. Surrender to whatever you believe in. Surrender to the idea that things aren’t perfect and that they might never be. Surrender and know that it’s acceptable not to know. Let it come to you instead of chasing it around.
So, I might not be at the best point in my life, but I am more accepting than I thought I ever could be. And it might seem like I’m giving up but I’m not. I’m surrendering and that’s a good thing. I’m letting go and that’s a good thing. I’m letting it be and that is a very good thing.