Finally

The pain no longer scares me. I stand alone, I stand lonely and I’m not afraid. The plans changed once again and I’m finally fine with it. If everything falls apart maybe it’s supposed to.

They teach us to fear loneliness. They teach us to always want more. If you do not have it all or at least trying to get it all, happiness isn’t an option. The concepts have been engrained deeply. The lies have been told so many times and in such a convincing way, it makes it difficult to go against them.

I do still crave, I still desire. There are still many things undone but I’m no longer willing to suffer. And better yet, I’m no longer going to let it get in my way.

I have been let down by creatures I never knew would. I have been unloved and loved. I have experienced many emotions…and they no longer hurt. They are no longer an excuse. I have finally let go. I have not yet figured it out and I’m not there yet…but I am letting go. Holding on is a full time job and I quit.

Everybody surrounds me, they don’t understand. And those that do understand cannot stand by me. I know it’s not personal but it’s still surprising. We were born to bond…that’s difficult to shake.

I got ready for myself. If the mask was on, I had to go out and impress someone else. Now I wear what I wear for myself…I do whatever feels right in the moment. I’m trying to build something. I don’t know what I’m building but it’s something and even if I’m blindfolded, I have to try and build this. I don’t have much to go on but I’m finally finding some sort of strength that is yelling to keep going.

I got lost and finally decided not to fear it. I thought that by getting I would certainly get found, I didn’t. But instead I’ve learned to coexist with myself and my very haunting mind. It makes life bright; it can also make it dark. But as dark as it gets, the hope always wins. Even when there’s a reason to give up and even the will to do so, I won’t…I can’t.

I’ve finally arrived to a place I no longer fear. The path is unknown but the better my choices, the more the path forms itself in front of me. I must blindly follow it, even when I can’t see it.

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