“Never apologize for knowing what you want.”
I jumped the gun. I know what I want and if anything will waste my time, I’m not in. It could have been a mistake, it could not have been.
Happiness isn’t what I thought it would be. After not only feeling disappointed but also becoming it, I’m done. I’m done holding on to what I thought would make me happy. Whenever something is out of reach, I let it go. Whenever someone isn’t sure about me, I’m done.
This is a hard concept to accept. This is hard. Whenever someone would ask me if I was happy, I’d have to have everything figured out to be honest about it. Now, things are as absurd as they’ve always been, but the difference is that I’m done. I’m done caring. Caring too much is the path to disappointment. Not caring enough can be just as bad but a more peaceful path.
More than happiness; I want peace. More than holding on; I want to let go. I cannot live the way I used to. I cannot try to impress others with what I’ve done or haven’t done. Everybody wants to define you, even I do. Whenever I find myself feeling inadequate, I suffer. Whenever I look to someone else to make me happy, they fail me. The never-ending lesson continues to be one of solitude. It’s one where I have to find a way to be happy and enough no matter who surrounds me or where I end up.
The bad ones will hurt you; the good ones will hurt you. I don’t feel hopeless, I feel alone and strong. I feel tired but willing. I no longer enjoy playing the victim card but am still surprised to find everybody to be almost the same as everyone else. I don’t like to blame, I like to understand.
I want to completely change whatever concept of happiness I had. I never want to find myself comparing myself to anyone else. I never want to feel inadequate or insufficient. I want to be my own hero. I want to be strong enough to endure whatever I’m supposed to. And if it gets lonely, man up and know it’s not the end of the world. And if I feel sorry for myself, stop and stare at those who have done it before me and carry on. It’s easy to get caught up in our own little bubble. Yes, we’re grand but only when we become greater than ourselves.
Happiness changes and maybe that is the ultimate goal. It’s not about having it all or getting the guy; it’s about being happy no matter what happens. It’s about understanding that life isn’t perfect but it teaches us and always gives us the opportunity to grow and inspire others to do the same. That’s where I’m at and the only place I truly should crave to be.