I have endured more than I thought I could. I can feel it all over my body…the rejection, the pain, the crossing of the lines, the not knowing why it happened. I can feel your hurt not once, but twice. You became a monster and I became a fighter. You finally left and I finally won. I wish I didn’t express myself as much as I do, but it pours out me as easily as the air I’m forced to exhale. The ones on the other side seem to repeat themselves. Their height shifts but their personality is exactly the same. Their age goes up and down but I remain the same and on the other side of the river. Their egos are throwing rocks at me when all I want is for them to join my madness. It’s not just them, it’s me. I fight because there’s a force. A force I cannot name and I cannot define but one I can feel. It has led me astray more than once and yet, I always trust it.
I fear what I write; I fear who will like this and who will hate it. I fear those who won’t read it and those who have made me write it. I fear your judgment and what the consequence of my words will be. I fear you’ll think I’m weak or that you’ll be intimidated by my strength. And in spite of the fear, I carry on. I admire those who can remain silent because they seem to get what they want and seem to avoid pain…two things I deeply desire. And yet, here I go again…holding my soul out to the world hoping it has what it takes to take it.
I’m peculiar. I cannot live with anyone and I do not want to. I am not understanding or tolerant except when it’s truly necessary. I have made crazy decisions and they have followed me around like a loyal homeless puppy that won’t go. I know I can make it on my own and am ready for the challenge.
I’m grateful. I get to live alone; I get to explore the darkness and the light. I get to write and I get to sing. I get to embrace the good and become better because of the bad. I truly try to be real. I know I’m misunderstood and taken for granted often. The scars run deep and it scares most people away. But here I am, stripping myself and showing you who I am. Here I am, finally independent and breathing. I must collect the thoughts that heal and let go of the pain. I must move on and know that the path ahead is one full of trees and beautiful creatures all hoping for me not only to make it through but to do it alive.
I have fought and will always fight for what I believe to be true. I might still get hurt and still fall, but I will keep going until the day I die. And if my fight makes this living situation even a tiny bit easier for someone else, I will consider it a victory. Being how I am might be scary and even lonely, but it’s a wonderful filter. Those who stay are worth keeping and those who leave are worth losing. It makes it easier to know. Because to fight the fight you need the right ones by your side. And sometimes you will be all you have and if that’s so, you’ll be all you need.