20%

I’ll give it 20. I focus 20% of my attention on the opposite sex. It doesn’t haunt me as much as it used to and I was wondering why. Well, when my heart’s desires weren’t being met, the attraction towards the unknown sex was bigger. Before I moved here, I’d say it was 80%. And when the desire was not met, 80% of my life felt lonely and empty.

It is still an important factor but I do not care as much as I did before. Why? I’m doing more of what I love. I’m singing, I’m writing and I’m capturing images that feed my soul. In return and in gratitude, my soul has decided to give me peace. I get to do a little of what I love and that which wasn’t meant to be controlled holds a smaller place in my world. And don’t get me wrong, it might be a smaller percent but it’s still a powerful one. I know how precious the 20% has become and it’s my job to trust who I should let in and not.

Yesterday I experienced some sort of rejection. Before it would have killed me, but yesterday it made me. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I took the life around me and built from it. What happened? I got to meet the owner of a magazine that I might write for, I ran into an inspiring director from New York and an unexpected acceptance from male creatures transpired. It mesmerized me. It made me realize how much time and energy we waste on that which doesn’t matter. If I would have let it matter, it would have and I would have missed out on all the living, all the breathing space to bloom.

Not only am I grateful that the attention that I am paying to romance has decreased, but also I’m immensely grateful that it has cleared my vision to know who is worth occupying the precious limited space for that. And until I see it and recognize it, all I can do is focus my attention on the other beautiful 80% that has led my life into a forest where flowers bloom and men and women sing into my subconscious. This is the place I long to be and will wait for as long as I must until it’s time to move through whatever path feels right.

Balance is as tricky as living. Balance runs away from me as soon as I hold on to it too tightly. I let go of it a little and it runs back into my days. I enjoy the balance and the imbalance. I enjoy opposites and corners so that I get to see every scene from any known angle.

This is the time to address what percentage of our energy is put into what. I hadn’t found what I was brought here to do. But now, little by little, I’m discovering it. And I’m realizing what I should and shouldn’t do, who should and shouldn’t be a part of this puzzle. And, interestingly enough, without having to think about it too much, the more connected I am, the easier the right people come in and the wrong people fly out. Just let it happen and it will.

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