That girl

She has convinced herself that she doesn’t need him. But on days like today, she misses him dearly. Maybe the programs in her head are winning. She should know better than this. Instead of writing about it, she should be focusing on becoming better but is not. Here she is feeling fragile, sorry for herself and in a loneliness she cannot get out of.

 Today I’m that girl. That girl that feels like she needs the guy; that girl that decides to go to the party just to see if he’ll be there. I’m that girl that only cares about having him hold her and wipe off all the tears that have been shed by all the heartaches. I’m the girl that is jealous of the guy that doesn’t even care about her. Yes, today I’m weak and unlike anyone I’d like to recognize.

 But so what? I feel like nowadays there is too much pressure to be a strong, independent amazing woman. Don’t get me wrong; I’m all about girl power. But sometimes we’re as sensitive as the softest lullaby. All we want is to be held and taken care of. We were created to be loved and pretending that it doesn’t matter seems unnatural and painful.

 It’s this moment that takes me to the future of when I’ll marry you and not be able to believe that you actually exist. I cry because the moment in my head is so touching and then I am pulled back to reality and it makes me terribly sad because you’re not yet here. And even worse, the fear of not finding you takes my breath away. I talk to an angel and she assures me you exist and will show up. I hope, I truly do.

 Yes, I’m that girl and I don’t know much but I know that all I can do is embrace it. Most friends have either settled or given up, I don’t want to do either. I don’t want to settle and I don’t want give up. I don’t know under which category I’ll fall. I’ll probably have to create my own category as usual. As cool as that sounds, it’s tiring. It’s exhausting to have to create your own world, your own love because the ones that already exist simply make no sense.

Today I am that girl that wishes it wasn’t so hard and that love would be as obvious as night and day. 

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