A second

A second lasts a lifetime every time I wake up. It takes me a very long second to remember my identity and how I’m feeling. I still sometimes look for something to worry, something to obsess about. Am I on the right path? Should I be proud of this life I’ve chosen to live? Some seconds remind me of loneliness, others remind me of sheer joy. The second today reminded me how tricky the brain is at night. It takes an entire day to fill the head with thoughts. Some are true; others are trying to fool you.

As soon as that one second is over, I am reminded of what’s happening. At this very moment in my life there’s no deep wound or emptiness of being lost. After that one second I usually cease the day and get the biggest cup of coffee known to mankind, I play a little music and decide whether I’ll eat healthy today or get a chocolate croissant. Am I fit enough to be as confident as I know I should be? Yes? Let’s be content with my body. No? Let’s work ourselves to exhaustion. Is there an object of my affection? What are my friends up to? All these questions need to be answered and figured out as soon as possible. Then, as soon as enough living is done, I must write about it and hopefully find someone else who understands. If someone does I feel warm. If nobody does I feel blue.

But for a mere second in the waking morning, I’m empty. I’m nothing and it feels amazing. For that one second I am nobody and there are no expectations, I’m ageless and the soul can take a breath that’ll last until the next time it wakes up to consciousness. Then that one second is over and the scanning begins. First I must identify myself, then the decision making process follows. Everything I see, read, process and learn becomes a part of what is acknowledged after that one precious second where I’m blank.

Today that one second lasted longer than usual and I could not remember who to be or what to believe in, it was liberating. Maybe the more I rid myself of the programs in my head the freer and happier I’ll get to be. Who says we’re anything? We should only be and have that be enough. Not just for a second but as long as we want it to be. We have a purpose but we shouldn’t care so much about ourselves.

A precious second can be a lifetime and we can let it be.

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