Never enough

I walk up the street and they point at me, they even laugh. I keep singing and pretending I’m normal. I was born into this bizarre normal world and I sometimes find myself craving what everyone else wants, it’s very frustrating but a craving nonetheless. I cannot seem to find a way to fit into a world that hasn’t found a way to get me. I find other wandering souls and they save me. They save me from being pulled into the side I never truly want to belong to. I crave you and you are not here and as much as I truly desire having you, it’s never enough to change. Many alluring objects call my name but my heart pulls me back…knowing that I should trust it.

This swaying happens almost daily and as complicated as it seems, it’s never enough for me to settle, for me to change my oddities. As hard as it can get, nothing ever seems to be enough for me to betray the insanity of being who I cannot help but be. The bullies in my head mock me and their knives are sharp, they throw them at me and sometimes they cut me, I bleed and the recovery process begins. Then the wounds heal and I can walk again and what happens? I don’t care that it ever happened and I keep hanging out with the wonderful odd purple people that make me laugh and make me feel alive. And that’s just it. I sometimes picture myself surrounded by the white fences and all housewifey and I could be accepted but fully miserable. I don’t know why we care about being accepted…but I guess deep inside I don’t care. I guess my fear is felt but not real. I do believe I can have it all. I know someday all the pain will have a purpose and I’ll be proud that I didn’t change.

I want my wedding to be weird. I want the people there to be odd and blooming wallflowers, observing life unfold. I want those that never gave up and knew there was never enough reason to change to be present. Those that have bled because they had to and that know how because of it they can appreciate life more. But more importantly I want those that can see me and can hear the music that the others can’t. And especially I want the guy next to me to know who I am. I want him to know how much I went through to be together. I want him to know how much I love him and what that day means. It’s not just a celebration of love but a celebration of protecting our individuality and finding a way towards each other even when it was hard and challenging to survive.

I know I am a dreamer but I know I’m not alone. I know that as hard it can get to be odd and in this unique world that I see, there is absolutely no reason to give up or change just because most say so. As tempting as it can be, I can never find a good enough reason to change or to stop dancing to the silent music in my head…you shouldn’t either.

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