You were there

You were in my dream last night, almost everyone else was there. I remember feeling neglected by you and talking to someone else and then you grabbed my hand forcefully and pulled me aside. At first, I was happy feeling like you cared and you did. And then you started yelling at me, you were really mad. You said: “You don´t get to control this, you don´t get to choose the order in which this happens or how you get to know me.” Also, “why are you sending me pictures of rings and wedding dresses, that´s not you!” You looked me in the eyes and this anger was frustration because I was ruining it. I was trying to control something as uncontrollable as love. You were as beautiful as ever and as difficult as it was to endure, you being mad at me made me happy. You cared enough to tell me. You actually talked to me and in that moment, I knew I was wrong and that I could make it right.

I woke up and it made me sad, not seeing you anymore. I miss you. But it opened my eyes to what I’m trying to do, control. Whatever has to happen will and I mustn’t forget that.

I miss you and because I do, I am trying to control what is not in my power. You let go and I don’t know how. I do not want to feel sorry; I do not want to regret this. Some days I wish we wouldn’t have met, other days I wish I could forget and have the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. But then I realize how the struggles force us to grow.

Let’s say that in this dream I find myself in a river and I have to swim in order to survive. I do not know how I got there but that’s where I am. Do I ask myself why I’m in the river or do I just swim? I swim and after I survive, I realize how strong I am. I never knew I could possibly have the strength to go through the struggle until I actually do. And I know that the struggles I’ve had have had a reason. I want to be able to help others with their struggles and how could I possibly help them if I don’t know what it feels like?

You were in my dream last night and I learned about myself and love. It also made me realize how hard a broken heart aches but that’s OK. When someone reaches out to me searching for comfort and understanding, I will certainly know how to help. If they tell me their nightmares are haunting them, I will smile knowing it will be fine and that I’ve been there. If you can’t go through the struggle for yourself, do it for others. Maybe the purpose of the pain is to make us all be more connected.

I saw you in my dream and you were lovely and you were honest.


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