This is something from about a year ago. I still believe and feel it.
Last night I saw a guy I have a huge crush on. The thing about me crushing on someone is that it’s dangerous simply because I love stories. I start to wonder what he’d say if I come over and flirt. Or what he’d say if he came over only to reveal his utter belief in love at first sight. I easily lose my mind and fall into a hole of dysfunction. I started to think of all the times I took a chance and got burned. It hurt. And instead of dwelling on my failure, I wondered. Where does all the love we feel but is never corresponded go? I truly hope there’s a beautiful place for it…where whatever you want, you get. A place that is not here, but elsewhere; a place where passion and expression is taken care of and never rejected or hurt.
It just pains me to think of someone loving wholeheartedly and not getting anything in return. Maybe if we knew of a place where that love belongs, then we could breathe easier and simply let it be. Believe you me; there’s nothing I know less or more than love. I can easily tell you I believe one thing and completely contradict it tomorrow.
Even the letting go is excruciating. Why? Because how do you let go without giving up completely? How do you try without appearing desperate? Those who have it easy are freaks of nature and I’m not even sure if I’d like to be that. The only thing that’s helped me cope with unreturned love is not addressing any attention to it. Not making it bigger in my head and always knowing (even when I feel like I can’t) that it exists and it’ll happen when it’s supposed to. Anyhow, that’s not the point of this.
The point is that whenever you give love or have feelings you do not know what to do with and don’t feel as if it’s right to act on it…send it elsewhere. The only way I can think of is in any other area of your life. Give it to kids that always appreciate authentic love. Give it to your mother. Give it to someone who’s having a terrible day or maybe a friend that’s always there for you. It’s ridiculous, but I’ve been giving my all at my job, (even if it’s not perfect) to my loved ones and it’s as if I’m loving myself and feeling amazingly great by doing so. That’s all that matters. Wondering when you’ll be loved is in some twisted way pushing it away. Being selfish about love is an oxymoron. And I know how hard it can be; especially when we were programmed to crave for two instead of one. That’s all I know today.
And if all fails, just think of somewhere pretty where the love given, without even a smile in return, goes. A place where heart shaped flowers grow. Kisses happen without any agenda hidden in the lips. A place anyone would rejoice to float in. That makes me smile and feel better instantly.