When I graduated High School I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to do. I did know I was inadequate and different from anyone else in my class. I also knew I didn’t like the concepts I had learned in school and liked even less the ones I found in college. I chose a career that others thought would make sense for me. After one semester, against all odds, I decided I didn’t want what everyone else wanted. Some sort of bravery or stupidity came over me. Choosing the unconventional path can be great but very challenging; especially when I didn’t know how to be unconventional. It felt as though I had woken up and had forgotten how to walk and had to learn all over again. I had been taught by society how to be and how to think and having to start a life I knew nothing about was strange. The concepts of who you’re supposed to be are programmed into your brain and I have found them quite haunting.
I think some concepts work and others shouldn’t even exist. Everything is relative because the concept of marriage can be wonderful but it is not for everyone. I constantly ask myself whether I truly believe in something or if I believe it because I’m supposed to believe in it. The concepts I ran away as a teenager have come back to try to catch me. Age is a strong concept and everything and everyone reminds me of age as I get older. The thing about age is that you can’t feel it. I am 28 and the concepts are trying to tell me how old I am and how I should have done certain things by now. This is a concept I don’t believe in and yet I can feel it.
I want to be free of anything that doesn’t make me happy. I want to believe in the concept of letting it be. Yes, I ran away from what was expected of me…but why does that have to be a bad thing? At the time, I did what my heart and soul told me to do. I should be as proud of that as I would be if I would have graduated with honors. People need proof of what they have accomplished. I cannot prove what I have learned but I can feel it and that should be enough. I do not want to live according to other people’s rules. I know I live in this world and there are certain concepts I must follow but I want to do it for the right reasons, to gain the knowledge to help others and encourage them to create their own path. At 28 I decided to go back to school and start from scratch…it’s been interesting. Because many others have concepts of what you should and shouldn’t do or be, I throw them off. My life is upside down and my initial reaction is thinking this is a bad thing but I cannot imagine it any other way. And this is very difficult to admit but true nonetheless. This beautiful mess has made me, me. I just wish the pain wasn’t so lonely at times.
Fear is the ultimate enemy. Whenever I care for concepts I know I don’t believe in, it’s fear. Whenever I fear my mistakes have interfered with what was meant to be, it’s fear. This is a concept I don’t believe in and don’t ever want to believe in. We must choose between fear and love every single day of our lives. The choice should be a no brainer and have that be the concept we repeatedly believe in.