Sometimes we choose what is bad for us. Sometimes we fall for those who hurt us. Sometimes we destroy ourselves with our minds and think it’s OK. It is not. The good and the bad should be distinguished easily. The good and the bad should never become one. I have fallen for wrong guys. I have hurt myself with food and dysfunctional thinking. I have chosen to look away when the hurting happens and then wake up to find that I’m bleeding and then all my energy must go into healing. We are the sum of our decisions. We are what we decide to be. Life will hurt sometimes but how long it lasts is up to us. Why do I keep forgetting that? Why do some of us hurt more than others? I am sensitive to how you look at. I remember every single glance, every single word. And once the experience decides to cease its existence, I replay it in my head over and over again. Memories that never happened start to play in my head, wishful thinking. I hope for the job of my dreams, the love of my life and everything happening exactly the way I think it should.
When my expectations don’t meet my reality, I start to dig a hole and my coping mechanism starts to get out of control, I become someone else. When I become someone else, I get needy, insecure and stupid and start believing concepts I know deep inside are not true. When it comes to something as uncontrollable as love, I’m screwed. When it comes to heartbreak, I feel clueless as to how to feel better; I’m done.
It will be OK somehow, I tell myself. I watch Isabel and she inspires me. She controls nothing and lets it be. That’s what I want. I want to let go of my life as if it’s not even mine. I want to pretend as if all I have to do is live it and create the big picture only with the moment at hand, piece by piece. It’s when I hold on to what should be or shouldn’t be that I forget the difference between the good and the bad. I want to look at the good in everyone and everything and let go of the bad or anything that serves no purpose in my life. Hearts are fragile and stubborn, at least mine is but they can heal and love again, trust again. This is a reminder to myself of how good can win and that, in the end somehow, it will.