Never have I ever

Never have I ever loved you. Never have I ever known you. I don’t know you and yet your existence is present. Never have I felt you, except when you’ve touched my mind. Here, in my head I have loved you. Here, in my head you are as real as the air I would kill to breathe when I miss you. In my head you’re only perfect for me and no one else is meant to have you. Your intentions are as real as the water my existence depends on. Whatever you do, I love. Whatever you decide to say, I embrace.

You have worn different masks with the faces of men. Some have been blonde, others have had black hair and they all seem to have sincere eyes and that’s why I think they are you…but unfortunately they are not. They are not you, you would never cause that kind of pain. You would never leave after having met me. You would know better than they have. You would never care about my mistakes or my insecurities. I would hold you and love you because it would be as natural as the seasons that pass taking trees as a sacrifice of life. Oh the sacrifices we must make in order to live, always and forever.

Never have I ever wanted time more than I do now. I want enough time to be with the one I have never known. Time to become friends with your dreams and make room for them in my heart as though they were mine. I want to breathe your first and last thought of every single day you get to live on Earth. Never have I ever felt as hopeful and hopeless as when you are in my head. Just because you haven’t materialized, doesn’t mean you never will.

I wish for your fears to vanish and for you to be brave enough to step into my reality. It is a complex and colorful reality but one I’m sure you will love. Never have you ever truly existed except in my head and my heart. The impostors have pretended to be you and I have been fooled…but I know I will easily recognize you sooner rather than later and then I will know you were not only real but better than I could have ever imagined you to be. Thank you for existing in my dreams and reminding me of how important it is to hold on to what we feel is real even if we haven’t seen it…yet.

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