Gone

I know now why so many want this. It´s a moment and you´re gone; he smiles, looks at you and has his actions speak louder than words and that´s it…that´s all it takes for you to be gone with no plans of returning any time soon. It´s only happened to me once before. I was overwhelmed by the emotion; I ruined it before it even started. You start to tell yourself to take it easy and it feels as though it is the most impossible task at hand. All you want to do is be with this person that makes your life feel so much better than it ever has been and you don´t know how to make that happen. How could this be? Our hearts are so fragile and yet, as soon as someone comes along, we´re simply willing to give them our very delicate hearts? That is insane. I cannot believe how fast it can happen. Without a warning, you´re going about your day thinking that someday it´ll come along, not knowing that someday could actually be today.

And then there´s life; when you´ve lived your life and you´ve gotten hurt…all the ghosts from the past show up in my head and they start to scream thoughts of fear. A fear I so desperately want to get rid of but that has evidence showing how holding on is the easiest way towards the end. Fear will never be a friend but caution can be. I´m grateful for what I´ve learned, specially from the mistakes. They have become old friends whispering words of wisdom into my subconscious and I´ve found it to be quite helpful. I still do not want to listen though. The heart will want to jump out of my chest into his heart and stay there. The heart wants to speak its mind and be fearless. All it wants is love and it won´t take no for an answer. The heart will take it as far as it possibly can until it gets what it wants or it breaks. My heart has no lukewarm intentions; it´s all or nothing.

While all of this is happening, my mind tries to be the guard of the heart and insists upon taking it slow. But as I know, the heart´s strength is overpowering and almost uncontrollable. My mind has grown stronger. It has learned how painful heartache is and has become wiser.

I met him and I smiled because I knew. He smiled because he knew, I hope. It felt right, it was easy, and it fit. This time, unlike the last, he cared enough for me to notice. The details of his actions warmed my heart and I was gone. What kills me is his head. What is inside his head at this very moment? What was inside his head on that very moment when we looked at each other? I don´t know. And when a heart is on the line, especially mine; not knowing actually makes it skip a beat.

Knowing you are capable of giving your heart to someone without knowing if he wants it is excruciating. I saw him and I was gone, completely gone in an instant. I am gone and I do not know what will happen. Heartbreak is the ultimate fear in these matters. I´m gone and all I can do is have faith that the past will stop repeating itself and I could actually have it all. But being gone is an ache I had missed. It´s a beautiful reminder that I´m alive and that anything is possible in this crazy life.

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