It’s incredible the mess I can get in when I do something that’s wrong for me. I know it can be the greatest asset but the hurting inevitably happens. Anything can be fixed, it’s simply tiring. I try to commit to what I know in my heart is not for me and it blows up in my face. People get hurt, relationships broken. They don’t understand why you can’t stay, why you can’t give more…sometimes I don’t understand either.
But deep inside, I just can’t. I’ve never been gook at pretending and that’s what doing what is wrong feels like. I know that if I keep pushing, it’ll break. I’ve learned the lesson the hard way. And another lesson to lear is not to commit unless it feels right. Trust yourself, don’t doubt. When I doubt, I fail. When I trust what feels right, I succeed. True every single time. You can’t ever really succeed when you push what was never meant to be.
Yes, the hurting happens but it is nothing compared to the damage that could come from staying. This is why I respect commitment, I almost fear it. Not because I don’t believe in if or think it’s wrong, but because you have to be sure of what you’re committing to. I know this time around how wrong my decision was, and I did it anyhow. Another mistake for the books I guess.
What I now know is that I’m in a place in my life where I am no longer willing to try just anything. I need to do what I love and nothing else. And the same goes for guys. If I truly believe someone is worth committing to, I’m in. Otherwise, why bother? I know who I am, what I like and what I want. Anything less than that is no longer an option. I am utterly unwilling to go against my true nature. I couldn’t even if I wanted to.