Emotional cutter

I first heard this expression on Sex and the City. Yes, I am a big fan. The men, the friendships, the fashion and the issues women go through. Who wouldn’t love Carrie Bradshaw? She’s real, sweet, and absolutely lovable. I have the entire series and the first movie; the second movie shouldn’t have been made. Anyhow, this expression is from the movie. Carrie had been left in the altar and utterly heartbroken once again by Mr. Big. Oh this guy made her suffer; but what could she do? He was the love of her life. Carrie had been featured on Vogue magazine as a bride, wearing the most beautiful designer dresses that have ever existed. After the heartbreaking event, on Valentine’s Day, Carrie opens the magazine to read the article once more. Miranda asks her; “why would you, of all days, read the article today?” “I’m an emotional cutter.” Carrie says. I’ll never forget it.

Endless times I’ve been an emotional cutter. Facebook is many times my weapon of choice. I swear Facebook and I have a love and hate relationship. It allows me to know what my friends around the world are up to, but they also allow me to see how an ex-boyfriend so easily moved on and never even cared about me. I emotionally cut myself by looking and wondering and thinking of what could have been. I emotionally cut my veins when I ask myself whether I could or should have done something differently. I do the same thing with all the careers I started but never finished. I also cut myself  when I compare myself to others. I cut myself when I wish I could be in a place from my past that doesn’t exist in my present. I swear I feel as though some of the happiness I felt in the past maybe wasn’t even real; it was a dream. I dreamed when I was sleeping. I’m not quite sure sometimes.

I know it’s good to have dreams and want something better, but I cannot cut myself everyday thinking of the mistakes I’ve made and what they’ve cost me. I cannot cut myself thinking of the love that hasn’t knocked on my door because of something I said or didn’t say. Was I pretty enough or should I have done something better to get him? I cannot keep wondering how to be better or whether or not I should have done something differently…I just can’t! Because the feelings that arise after I emotionally cut myself are worse than the hurting itself. Let’s start today by treating ourselves as lovely as possible. Let’s start by admitting our regrets and mistakes and be fine with them. Absolutely every single experience teaches. Every single mistake helps us.  At least I know now how desperately I want to stop being an emotional cutter. And sometimes it’s OK to mourn but do not let it last. You’re too amazing to get hurt. Protect your soul, even from yourself.

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