The empty chair

The prom complex started around prom. Every single party that I have gone to alone where I would have much rather gone with somebody has become a pattern in my life. I watch shows or movies about prom or any other event where everyone has somebody to go with and it’s as if somebody punched me in the stomach reminding me how I was never the girl who got the guy. This all sounds shallow but I’m convinced it is not. If it were shallow, I wouldn’t feel it deep inside. The culture I grew up in was never kind to me regarding dating. Guys are shorter and less interesting to me and I appear to have some sort of super power where they are simply not interested in me or if they are, they do not show it. Then I moved to a developed country when I was a teenager and guys started to notice me and I actually realized that I was pretty to boys. But then sadly I am always back to square one and in a place where guys do not seem to notice me or don’t have the courage to ask me out.

I have never wanted to be popular because I saw what the popular crowd looked like or more importantly what they had in their heads and I swear the role I played as a child as the Queen of Hearts made me want to see their heads roll. Simply observe those in certain groups and their behavior and immediately after that, ask yourself if you truly want to belong with people like that. It became clear to me that not belonging was a compliment. I am fully aware of how I am one of the lucky ones and most of the time I am fond of my looks. But I am after all human. Going unseen is something that does not suit my personality.

Anger and sadness take a front stand in the long list of emotions through my existence when all of this crosses my mind. I’ve never had a date for prom or for a wedding or any other important event for that matter. Because I run away from weakness and want to inspire others to do so too, I show up at these events wearing a smile and the best attitude that’s hiding under my sleeve. But sometimes I wonder when is enough, enough? I guess it’s not up to me to say.

When I feel like it’s not in my hands, I try to let go of it and trust that it’ll come when it’s supposed to. I do not ask for everything to change right away; all I ask for is a sign that it can and will. If this is what God wants for me, I am willing to accept that. But so long as I do not lose hope, I’m OK. I know it is right for me because of the level of desire I feel from within. I’ll try to get passed the sadness left in my soul from the loneliness. I’ll try not to ask myself ‘why not me?” I’ll try to know that the empty chair beside me that has been empty for so long is simply waiting for someone with a life as unconventional and colorful as mine to take a seat. Until then, I look at the empty chair and try not to lose faith that in an instant it can all change; even if an instant feels like a lifetime. And in spite of loneliness and whispers of judgment, let that chair remain empty until you feel it’s someone worth sitting with. Never give in and let just anyone sit beside you. So when someone amazing sits with you, you’ll smile knowing you’re not a settler but brave and true.

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