I have a terrible addiction. It tastes like heaven and gives me instant comfort. It changes its form and size. Flavor is what makes it attractive. This necessary addiction found me through genes and lack of will. Its ally is emotional imbalance and it finds a way to crawl back into my life when I least expect it. Drastic change does not help me cope with it. This necessary addiction is one I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Being an all or nothing kind of girl makes it that much harder to deal with. Being an extremist, feeds the addiction I so desperately want to get rid of.
Yes, food. Food is my necessary addiction. It has never gotten horribly out of control but neither has it ever gotten terribly under control. If I did not hold fashion so close to my heart, I might have given up on it already. If I didn’t value my health as much as I do, I’d be long gone by now. But I never give up because I truly do not wish to do so. But what I do want to give up on, is the up and down roller coaster I cannot seem to get off from. When will it stop? I am tired. I know it’s nobody’s fault but my own but why can’t it be easier than this? I’ve gone through immense change lately; but why does my weight have to suffer? Why is it put on the line when I know how hard it is to be here? I don’t know.
I wish I had a metabolism where I could eat whatever I’d like. I wish I could love the way I look no matter what. I wish I didn’t have to worry about the whole dilemma. I wish I had an addiction I could get rid of and not need for survival. But that is just wishful thinking. That is not me. I have to find a way to live with my addiction and control it instead of the other way around. Will it ever end? I don’t know. But I know life can be wonderful and I believe that this has a solution. Very few things in life don’t have a solution and this isn’t one of them. I think everybody is different with varied necessities when it comes to nutrition. I am still searching for what works for me. But I guess on a day like today, all I can do is keep my head up and remind myself not to give up. I know my addiction is a necessity and I cannot get rid of it altogether but maybe I can learn to live with it. If you can’t beat it, control it.