Trying to try

There’s so much to say, yet no way to start. That’s pretty much my life. I keep trying without finding a way to stay where it feels right. Now, a new opportunity sits beside me and I cloud myself with fear. It’s ok. I’m hoping it won’t get in the way of life. This is a new day, a new year. I don’t want to decide anything anymore. I don’t want to overanalyze thoughts anymore. I truly want to let things happen. I want to try and know that it might work and it may not and that life goes on and so do I. I want to be faithful. I want to be peaceful. When so much happens to you, good or bad, and your mind overwhelms you with thoughts…all you crave is inner peace and clarity. I know that’s why I must learn to simply believe. Believe in the beautiful and know that I can actually try and succeed. I just cannot believe how predictable I’m being. I’m surprised to be holding my mistakes against my own self. Shouldn’t I know better by now? I guess that’s fine. My life has been out of the ordinary and we are creatures of habit after all. I’ve made the decision to live on my own. I think of leaving my safe cage of a job and a hole in my stomach starts to form itself. That’s when it hits me…if I’m not willing to take any chances anymore, I’ve failed. If I no longer feel the urge to take risks, then I have a problem because that is not happiness, that’s not life; not the one I want at least.

What I easily forget is the craziness of my past, the clouds I’ve been on and the never ending falls. I have been brave and will continue to be. I have tried. It simply takes time to recover from a fall. But I do always end up getting up without gravity’s help. The ground’s pull is strong and overwhelming, and yet here I stand tall again. Also, there are angels on earth that have our backs. The loveliness of the clouds is one that will never cease to amaze me. Some have seen the clouds for a second, others for a while. A few get to live inside them. But those who never know about the clouds are the ones that won’t ever bother to try. They truly are the only ones that absolutely and definitely never get to be inside the clouds; they do not even know their existence.

The ones that try and fail find a way to survive on earth knowing angels exist and that they did their best. The ones that try and succeed get to be in bliss and shine in the midst of angels. Who makes it? The ones that didn’t give up; they didn’t listen to the ones that never bothered to try. They believed in something they couldn’t see but could feel. They knew that no matter what they did, a big part of the formula to reach the cotton sky was to keep trying.

I cannot know the future but I can know the present. Today I write and learn more about myself, life and dreams. Transitions are hard; a fact I somehow seem to forget over and over again. This one is pretty huge but beautiful. I’m going to reach for the clouds once more and know that my job isn’t to worry about the outcome but to simply rejoice in knowing my wings can still soar. Try to reach for the clouds and you might not just get there but inspire others to join you.

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