Created chaos

So, I’m at this place in my life where things are starting to go right. After a tremulous transition…I’m in a place I quite like. It is a new change though. But the point is…I like it here. A promise of a better and bigger life feels closer and what do I do? I create chaos. I try to pick a fight with almost anyone. I try to ruin a beautiful moment. I try to create chaos! This happened yesterday. I started to lose my peace and then I stopped to see what was happening. I realized I am afraid of being happy. How terrible is that? Just as the book I’m reading says. “If you’re a true artist, you become an expert at being miserable.” There’s only one problem with that; I hate being miserable. I love being inspired and feel whatever I’m supposed to feel…but I am not willing to be unhappy. I think happiness is the ultimate goal and peace is the ultimate way to be.

The one good thing about this tiny breakdown I had yesterday was that I could see it for what it was: fear. And when you stare at fear in the face, it vanishes. It doesn’t want you to know who he is. Fear knows that if you face him, he ceases to exist. If you don’t let him take over, you love yourself and love destroys fear. Only one or the other can win. And sometimes we have a harder time loving ourselves. And so yesterday I loved God and asked him to protect me from the fear. He did. I hadn’t been able to sleep with Fear’s distractions. And last night, in an instant, I fell asleep and woke up ten hours later. It blew my mind. I woke up a new person and once more I was reminded how God is love. I’m not talking about anything other than true love.

When I’m afraid, I’m not being loving. When I create chaos, I destroy peace. When I run away, the problem doesn’t cease to exist; it grows. So why create problems where they do not even exist? There’s no reason whatsoever.

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