Fell from a cloud

When faced with a difficult decision it’s quite intriguing to decide what is best. It’s very easy for emotions to get in the way, people’s opinions cloud our judgment and the fear of wondering if regret will follow the decision we made is enough reason to be left paralyzed. What has played another important part in the process for me is the past. I’ve made an awful amount of decisions in the past that have quickly been followed by outcomes that have been disappointing and painful enough to make my heart skip a beat. I had to say goodbye to people I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to, I’ve left dreams undone, emotions unfinished. I’ve pictured different paths through the concept of what could have been and the difficulty it brings is quite unpleasant. I’ve based decisions on what I wanted, I tried to follow my heart and listen to the dreaming whispers. I fell from a cloud and found myself injured and right back where I had started. Now, I find myself waking up from the fall for a third time and just like last time; I am forced to create a home inside a dirty puddle of mud I’ve never been quite fond of.

I now realize how my ability to make a decision gets harder each time. Yes, I love the clouds…but are they worth climbing if it means I might fall all over again? Well, I have learned one thing from my former rides on the clouds; I ran away from the ground. I left things undone down here without hesitating to do so; and that can be very damaging in a whole different way. And here I am, in the dirt once more. But this time, I’m not repulsed by it. I know what it is but I think twice before leaving again. I do know I’ll leave again someday somehow; the dreams that live in the clouds are too beautiful to pass out on; but I can no longer run away. Funny how I’m not willing to run away anymore; I no longer want to rush into anything because the satisfaction that comes from concluding a chapter is a satisfaction I hadn’t known before.

Finding a way to make dirt a home has made me realize how sometimes we have to get dirty and stay for as long as it’s right in order to grow wings to fly once more. This is what happened to me in the past; I did not wait long enough to grow wings that were strong enough, long enough. And still, I got to dance with angels; I got to fly; even if only for a second.

My endless fear had always been to miss my cloud. I saw a cloud and took a ride on it as soon as I possibly could. Now I know how it’s OK not to hop on a cloud just because I can. I’ll take the cloud that comes along when I’ve finished learning my lessons here on the ground; when my wings are sturdy and ready. I wanted an easy fix and now, after many clouds and many falls, I know that there’s no rush. Yes, many things must change and they will. But if you actually want to live in a cloud…you have to know that it takes time. And if you wait to learn your lessons without wondering why you’re not up there yet; you’ll suddenly see how your wings grow little by little, until the right moment arrives. Your wings will have grown enough for you to be ready to soar. Then you’ll be able to bounce from cloud to cloud and have tea with angels any day of the week. That’s when you’ll know you’ve made it. Not only to be up there but to know you’re there to stay.

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